Deary "Diary", I hate you,
for once, because i hate speaking to an not-so-living object unless it's a wall (those make fairly good conversation partners) and because it's kinda late but I should keep posting stuff up, but I'm sleepy anyhow
Basicaly I slacked today,
for once because I felt like it (well i sorta do all the time)
and mostly because a sorta annoying talk the day before (if you dont count the fact that "today is tommorow" allready) sorta shattered me for a while. I definitly learned quite a bit from it, but I'm not sure about the conclusions I did back then, neither yesterday, nor today. I hate it when stuff "happens" to be so complicated and decissions are hard.
Especially when you have to choise between pretty much giving up a hobby or upseting a upset perosn even more. Though I'm still not sure how well a relationship can evolve, that is based on denial instead of trust and tolerance, especialy considering the fact that the "disruption" is pretty rude and the conflict dubious and I also I sorta still dont get the issue, but thats prolly just me as allways. Though on the other hand, I can sorta understand the discomfort.
And what am (was?) I suposed to do in such a situation? And where does one get advise, especially if you are confronted with such thigns pretty much for the first time? Ask the oracle? Friends (sorta makes me giggle)? Oppose the person I care for or just shoving another one away? Usually I sorta have this strong feeling of justice. Or at least what is right do. And it is usually the same as what is fair to do. At least in my oppinion. And it's not exactly often correct.
But for once, I really don't know. Right and fair are totaly different things, making even their own definitions questionable. I wish I could find a optimal solution or at least get some sort of distant idea of what to do.
It's not fair to ditch a person for no reason or because she might have/had feelings (i'm not even sure about that part), even if she is dating someone allready and is generelly nice to everyone, especially if this person has helped you quite some time.
But is it right to go with exactly this perosn to a dancing course. And is, not-able-to-find-any-other-person-who would go to the dancing course with you (must be female+age(18-27)+student or somehow related to students+willing to dance+know me+be single+get the fact that there is no romantic stuff involved) a valid excuse to not ditch her?
Can a partner in a long-range-relationship demand from you to stop dancing? Is it fair or right? Doesn't it show mistrust?
But how should one act if the person is upset and not exactly cheerful because of multipple events, that are partielly related to your own blindness and forgetiveness. Does it change something. Shouldn't one do his best to change something about it?
Generelly I'd oppose such a intrusion, (though isn't the dancing a intrusion into our relationship itself?) it's unfair and cuting down a hobby that one is doing since 1 year is something one can't handle that simply, but do the circumstances above change it? They for sure change something, I'm not sure what.
For reference sake, no I would not mind it myself. I trust people and if my partner would cheat on me, then either I am absolutly not worth them or they are not worth me (I shouldn't be writing it down, but I would excuse if something like that would happen, if it would happen "accidently" or cause of "drinking slightly too much"), which makes the case simple.
Generelly, I have no idea, I still have this slight hope that it would sort itself out in some way over the next 3 weeks, where no dancing will be involved anway, because of some (un)related event, but eventually I will have to choise.
What probaly upsets me most, was to hear this. I did not expect this, especially not after 1 year of dancing, such things should be cleared up early and being riped out with flesh. It's ironic that my dancing partner was laughing, when telling me last time we danced (same evening), that her previous patner thought, there would be somethign between them just because they are dancing. I wonder if she ever had something for me. No friggin idea, she viewed me as some uninteresting kid and raged over the fact that I didnt recognize her irl. There is some irony involved in the fact that "We" had our talk at the same time, I had my dancing talk with her. I really hope I won't have to choise in the end. But if I'll have to, I know I'll choise what is worth more for me... But, I dont want things on either of our lists... And im not even sure if my is so empty...
Does the fact that she did make it a valid reason to ditch her, if you have a partner. I'm not sure, maybe it indeed does. I can imagine that the touching can't be exactly a very comforting idea (even if its a bit silly on at the same time. The only thing I touch, except for her right hand and back are her shoes, basicaly because i dance like a baboon and step on them :x), so this argument is as valid as it is invalid.
The other argument is the doormat thing. Well this is something, im not so sure about myself. On the one hand, yes the whole time changing and irresponsible approach was not nice. Even considering the fact that im not exactly respo.. responz.. well you know what i mean, myself. However, most of the time this happens with more or less good explanations (her work does end 1 hour before the dancing and overtime is the german definition of dessert at work). I'm not sure if agreeing to all this changing makes me a doormat. Should it make her go >.<? I actually think it shouldn't. But I'm glad it does. At least makes me feel sorta understood and cared about and alsog ives the whole issue a more realistic approach.
On the other hand, wouldn't canceling the whole dancing, just make me a huge doormat myself. And also a bad person, since she will also lose her dancing club partner? And even if I find soemone, how will it look like if I'll appear with another partner (hf finding one at a informatics university) after ditching her and she'll be there too, I guess it's a either-or thign here, there is no third choise... The whole "sorry, we won't be talking anymore" (unrelated) on skype yesterday, was allready not exactly comfortable, even if the reasoning here is more then understandable, so I'll just be quiet about it. The funny (?) part was her teling me on skype, before I ignored her, that ironicaly just yesterday she thought, if she would ignore everyone, if her serbian BF would rage and asked her that and that she came to the conclusion it wouldn't be the person for her if he'd act like that...
Well, while I sorta understand her, even the request of ditching a lot more, then a skype contact and a hobby won't make me abandon her. I wonder if I'm blind or stupid? Sleepy for sure.
Why isnt there a simple solution for such a seemingly trivial issue? And why is such a seemingly trivival case, upset so much. Relationships shouldnt be feeling like cardhouses. I know im not a perfect boyfriend. For the sake of pony, I never been a too good one. But are the failures I do, really that big? Ain't I doing anythign right, that such a small issue would bring the whole balance to crash. It really makes my heart ache, to hear her thinking that I care less or that she (nearly?) has to beg for attention. I really should take care of all the other small things first I guess.
Sadly it is true, that I forgot or didnt get to do a lot of things I should have done (and i dont mean finishign the thesis reading) and that I'm better in real life (mainly because I sometimes need a poke and remind myself all the time this way) at doing such things... Should I ditch something I really like, to make her feel better? It feel like hiting the -50% XP button for -100% hunger and +50 spirit energy in MOTB, in other words, failing, going back in a relationship, losing maximum hitpoints and recieving negative a negative level debuff... wait.
I wish I could hug her, hold her and dance with her now instead, I miss her so much... It would make everything so easy and obvious, such issues wouldn't be existing and I'm, sure she'd be less upset and me more concentrated (heh). I hope You are ok right now, feel better and hopefully sleep peacefully, despite the presense of cpt.retarded-baboon. (hug)
I think I should include those little things I failed so far things into the plans from now on . Don't think it counts as cheating, it's just a reminder otherwise I'll get carried away by games or programming work.
Anyhow, I should write the plan for tommorow (today...) and go sleep
Anyhow Mr. (Miss?) Diary,
